Commitment Isn't Enough

Researchers can now predict with more than 90 percent accuracy who will enjoy a successful relationship and who will suffer distress and divorce. To a large degree the findings in these studies do not line up with popular opinion of what makes marriage work or fail. I've generalized the discrepancies below.
Popular Opinion: Whom you marry determines your chances for a happy marriage.
Studies Show: Marital happiness has little to do with whom you marry and everything to do with how you cope with conflict.
Popular Opinion: Personality flaws and irritating faults are the under lying cause of marital distress.
Studies Show: Personality flaws and irritating faults do not predict marital happiness or marital stability.
Popular Opinion: Compatibility and similar likes and dislikes determine relationship success.
Studies Show: It's not how similar or different you are; it's how you handle differences when they arise that counts.
Popular Opinion: Problems experienced during early years will heal themselves and get better in time. Studies Show: Problems worsen over time, and it's much wiser to deal with them early, when they are easier to handle.
Popular Opinion: Men and women have different needs in marriage and have different approaches to intimacy.
Studies Show: The major differences between men and women in marriage lies in the way they handle conflict rather than in their approach to intimacy.
Popular Opinion: When a couple loves each other enough and are really committed, they can solve any problem.
Studies Show: Love is needed to begin a relationship, but it doesn't provide enough fuel over time to keep the relationship successful. Nor does commitment. Again, it's how couples manage conflict that makes the difference.
Highly effective marriages are the result of more than just compatibility and commitment. Effective communication and conflict management skills are vital. There will always be differences of opinion over likes, desires, and how to get things done. Setting up a home together provides fertile ground for disagreements over how to earn and spend money, keep house, raise children, and spend free time, as well as how to meet each other's needs.

(Nancy L. Van Pelt, Highly Effective Marriage. Review and Herald Publishing Association, Hagerstown, MD. 2000[18,19])